cage match

[lacyunderall]

I wish Celebrity Deathmatches were real. I'd wish for:

• Canadian TV's Mike Holmes
  
  
  vs.
  
  Henry Rollins
  
  
  See, Henry's still got a lot of that for-real old school punk rage, but Mike Holmes has non-gym, real-work muscles and I just wouldn't want to cross him. I'd have to take Holmes in this one.

Other suggestions:

• Montel
  
  
  vs.
  
  Dr. Phil
  
  
  I'd have to take Dr. Phil in this one. Montel's got that hot bod, but he's also got MS. Phil could whoop him on stamina alone. Although Montel might have something tricky with that psychic and all...
  
  
• Rosie O'Donnell vs. Oprah: I'd take Oprah. I think Rosie's all show, no go. Oprah'd southside her sorry ass.
  
  
• Invader Zim vs. The Brain. This might be too close to call.
  
  
• Judge Judy vs. Judge Alex. I'd have to take Judy. Alex'd be all afraid to hit her at first, then she'd sneak up on him and punch him in the fellas.
  
  
• Brigitte Nielsen vs. Farrah Fawcett. This would be a cat-fight extraordinaire, replete with hair-pulling, incomprehensible name-calling, scratching and writhing. In the end, I'd give it to Nielsen, based on age.